He was my everything. He was the light that shined in the dark and the kind whispers of the wind when there seemed to be no cool breeze. We had plans for a future and we had dreams and aspirations! I gave up. I have been looking for you for so very long and I haven’t been able to find you. I haven’t been able to hear you or see your smile.
Its the eyes. The eyes are the way to a persons soul! They are I know it. I haven’t been able to see you in so many years!Where did you go? I have searched in disbelief! I have looked for articles on your death! I have seen them but they weren’t real! They weren’t true! I couldn’t see them. I ripped them in shreds and I burned them! I burned all of our pictures but one knowing that we would make new ones! I knew the day would come that you would be with me again! Near me again! Your breath on my neck and your hand on my body again! You grabbing me and telling me we have forever! Forever wasn’t long enough!!! You left me! You disappeared! I remember the rain! I recall worrying the entire night! I remember wondering if you were just not coming and the phone lines were down but then again how could they be? I remember the call.
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I saw their faces as they had to tell me something. My parents. They looked so upset. They had these terribly long faces and told me to come talk to them. They told me that they were so sorry and that they knew I was upset. They knew I couldn’t handle the funeral. They knew it would be best for me not to go. You were my life! You were the one that gave me life! Gave me a reason to continue! We did that for each other! We found happiness in every part of sadness! We found the light when the candles went out and it was completely black! My dress is ruined! I ran out I searched for you, my shoes black as the night and full of mud! I was in shock, maybe disbelief. Maybe something new I hadn’t yet experienced.
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I need your approval. I know in my heart you are not here, but I feel you. I see you in a special special person. I feel you when he touches me! No one has ever touched me like that! Only you. Only you could give me that look of “really baby” and I just melted. Always making me blush and always making me feel as if I could do no wrong with you. Knowing that you approved because I would always be the logical one and think things through.
I am here baby waiting for you. One last time. It kills me inside and I don’t know where to go. I want so badly to be with you but you aren’t coming for me are you? Why does everything he does remind me of our love and bring it all back up? Why does everything he does just make me wish that I had it all over again. Wish that I had never lost you. Up until now I denied losing you. I pretended that you were still here and that you would come for me as you PROMISED!!!! Promises can’t be kept! You taught me that! I don’t believe you anymore! Promises are fake and unreal! I hate promises! A promise is nothing but a bunch of words but to you they meant everything! You taught me it was ok to believe in promises. Never again my dear sweet love never again.
I have found a love I believe to be as true as yours was. It is so very similar and so very real! I want to pretend it isn’t. I want to run away as fast as I can from it! It is getting me so very scared that I am afraid of it. Is YOUR God going to take him from me like he did you? Is YOUR God pleased that he created an equal to you just to set me up for complete failure! Just to remind me of what I once had! I think this is a mean game! No one has loved me the way you did and he swears he does but how do I believe that! How do I know that he is real! He looks at me and I see us again! I see the love that was once there and I have to turn away! I want to cry! I want to scream this isn’t fair~ His eyes are the clearest of any I have ever seen! They are real!
I am so confused and so very distraught at what to do. I have waited for several years for this to happen and now that it’s really happening I am lost! I am feeling the trueness of it or am I just fooling myself! I want you I need you I desire your touch again and I don’t care the reproccusions I have to face for that! I can’t have these feelings! They can’t be real! But they are! I feel them daily! Even when he isn’t here I feel them! They are real! They are unique to the situation and I never thought I would get that again~ God I love you so much! I have never stopped loving you! You were my life~! Does this mean I get a real second chance? Does this mean that I can love again? That I don’t have to fear true love or give up because of failure in finding you? I need you. I need something or someone to tell me hey you get this chance just take it! Where are you? Oh, that’s right…still trying to keep that promise…I know.
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Tags: faith, Fear, God, Inspiration, love, Promise
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