I am not a fan of existentialism.  It’s sort of depressive and pointless, but then again, that’s kind of the whole point.  The positive side of existentialism is that at least it is not hopeless.  In existentialism, you just exist, and you roll with the pointless punches that life throws at you, and you sort of float around life, without being bothered or excited.  Ideas and things that come at you sort of get duly noted and you continue to exist with no particular purpose or plan.  At least this is the way I understand it.

However, it is also said that traumatic experiences can be processed, maybe even embraced, and finally liberated by writing about them.

My particular painful experiences are the realities that result from war.  It seems so pointless, even childish, to physically fight for ideals.  If we are fighting for ideals, coming from ideas, why engage in physically and mentally devastating wars?  And should I write about my experiences as a medical clerk in an Army hospital?

Will it really make me all the better if I exposed the details of injuries and death of our troops?  Would I really be setting my mind free by relating how the current wars in Iraq and Afghanistan affected me and the countless lives that are involved in this senseless carnage?

Or should I just become a fan of existentialism, where everything is pointless, but I could purposelessly roll with the punches and just float in my reality?

If, as existentialist Albert Camus said, “freedom is nothing but the chance to be better” is true, then what the heck is the point of it all?  Sure, I am free to work within the confinements of my pain to try to be better, but will it make the world a better place if I told you how I can’t get the smell of burnt flesh or fresh blood off my memory?  Or how I feel I failed my fellow troops in spite of all of my efforts to not fail?  Or how some ribbon, medal or “decoration” I earned ultimately means nothing, because I failed my fellow troops?  And how leadership means nothing when they are set up for failure and just like issues run up the chain of command, failure runs down the chain of command?

Yes, I did my job, and I did it quite well.  I think I was there to ease the pain of a few wounded heroes, but ultimately, I failed them, because I have failed myself.  I can’t set them free until I set myself free, and in the meanwhile, we are all bound, not by our failures or experiences, but in the inability to set ourselves free.  What have we gained if we have ultimately lost ourselves, our faith?