Self-published Books Always Suck

This is what the traditional print book publishing industry sounds like today:

Dear writers,

You can’t write. You also can’t edit. Nor can you even read very well. Yet you think you’re tough enough and big and bad enough to self-publish your book, either in print or in digital form.

You must really think you’re something. But it’s not true. It’s all a lie.

Do you really think your book will sell? Do you honestly think it’s possible you could even make a living as a writer?

Think again. It won’t happen. It can’t happen.

For one very important reason: None of the big New York publishers have agreed to publish your book.

And none of the big literary agents have agreed to represent you.

So you must suck.

You should just stop writing and go back to your day job, if you’re even competent enough to have a day job.

If your writing was really any good, a publisher would have already snagged you up, or at least an agent. Since you weren’t one of the lucky few, you must suck. And don’t start in with all that garbage about how most published books today aren’t all that great anyway. They are great. You’re just too stupid to realize it.

Still think you want to self-publish your book? Gosh, you’re an idiot. Didn’t we already explain it to you?

We, the almighty gatekeepers of the publishing industry, have already deemed your work not worthy of being published. Even if we didn’t bother to look at it. Even if you didn’t send it to us. Especially if you didn’t send it to us.

If you were any kind of a real writer, you’d already be working for us. We have what you want. Fame. Success. money. Your name at the top of the New York Times bestseller lists.

You can’t get that without us. None of it. Never going to happen. You can’t do it on your own. Because we said so.

And don’t try to be coy and say something dumb like, “but that’s not really what I want” or “I’m just trying to make a living, not get rich.” Of course it’s what you want. That’s why you write, even though you shouldn’t because you suck.

Do you really think we, the big publishers, are afraid of you and your self-published books? And your e-books you put up on Amazon? Give me a break! You’re a joke! We don’t even know why we spend so much time screaming at you to give up.

You are no threat to us. The new technology is no threat to us. Sure, it’s happened to every other form of media there is, but it won’t happen to us. We’re too big to fail.

Still being stubborn? Go ahead, then. Self publish your crappy little books for the Kindle. See where it gets you. Nowhere, that’s where. You’ll never make any money at it and the only reviews you’ll receive will be from your friends, and even they will only try to be nice by not telling you the truth that your book sucks.

So there!

Sincerely,

The Real Publishers

More writing links

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Logical Misanthropy, horror and fantasy author’s blog

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