“Scene”

ONE

Good morning, Stacy!

TWO

Good morning, Fred!

ONE

How are you?

TWO

I’m doing pretty well.

[Beat.]

ONE

I really don’t have anything interesting to say, do I?

TWO

Not a single thing.

ONE

You don’t either, I imagine…

TWO

Sorry.

ONE

What kinds of names are “Stacy” and “Fred”? Did I just pull that out of my ass?

TWO

Absolutely no thought went into this play.

ONE

No thought at all.

TWO

More like no talent.

ONE

No talent at all.

TWO

I tried, I really did. I’ve been writing this forever.

ONE

It seems that way, at least, it seems like I’ve—

TWO

…been working on this for a long time.

ONE

Too long.

TWO

And all I’ve come up with is—

ONE

[Mocking.] “Good morning, Stacy!”

TWO

[Mocking.] “Good morning, douchebag!”

ONE

Two totally benign, bloodless characters.

TWO

[Two thumbs up, still mocking.] Good job!

ONE

The only reason the two of you exist right now—

TWO

…is because blank Word documents scare the shit out of me.

ONE

But for all I’ve written, I might as well have taken a shit on a piece of paper—

TWO

…and called that a play!

ONE

In fact, now I wish I had done that instead, because then—

TWO

…I wouldn’t have to shit right now.

ONE

Christ, I’ve had to take a shit for a long time now.

TWO

Too long.

ONE

I think I’ll go do that now.

TWO

Okay, Joe, we’ll stay here and try to become interesting.

[Long silence. Toilet flushes from offstage. Beat.]

ONE
I’m back. Anything?

TWO

Not really.

ONE

Good morning, Stacy!

TWO

Shut up!

[Enter THREE.]

THREE

I’m a totally irrelevant character! What do I have to contribute?

ONE and TWO

Nothing!

THREE

Well good luck with this piece of work, asshole!

[Exit THREE.]

ONE

I kinda liked him.

TWO

At least he was vulgar. Maybe if you bring him back in the next scene and have him say “asshole!” a couple more times, people will laugh.

ONE

I doubt it.

TWO

Who asked you?

ONE

Nobody, but if you’re not going to give me any interesting lines to say, I might as well tell you that this play sucks.

TWO

He’s got a point.

ONE

You think I don’t know that?

TWO

I’m hungry.

ONE

I think I’ll order a pizza.

TWO

Do you two want anything from Papa Gino’s?

ONE

Do they sell talent?

[Enter THREE, who punches ONE.]

What the hell did you do that for?

THREE

Stop giving me back-talk, I’m doing the best I can.

ONE

I know I am.

THREE

That’s what’s so awful about this.

TWO

I should have been an accountant.

[Now THREE punches TWO.]

THREE

Get the fuck out of my play, Mom!

TWO

Sorry.

ONE

So are we getting pizza or what?

TWO

I think so, this isn’t really going anywhere.

[Enter PIZZA BOY with pizza. ONE pays. Exit PIZZA BOY. Everyone eats. Everyone is sad.]