How to Write Poetry and Lamentable Novels

Poetry is basically fancy ways of saying things that you are too shy to say in normal language. It’s sort of a condensed version of the speech you have worked out in your head, proclaiming the love you have for a significant other. 

No one really knows why, but poetry makes the girls swoon. All girls. No matter how tough an exterior a girl has, she likes gooey poetry.

So, if you are a boy wanting to impress a girl, poetry is a sure fire way to get her to notice you. And, unfortunately, she notices you even more if you profess your love for her in a very public and embarrassing place. Like over a PA system in a shopping mall. In front of all your mates.

Poetry is surprisingly easy to write. And a good thing about poetry is that it doesn’t even have to rhyme. A good way to start the poetry off, if inspiration has escaped you, is to make a list of what you like about the subject of this poem. The longer the list, the better the poem.

There are a few things to steer clear of. Telling someone, even in a poem that you have kidnapped their dog and will return it only if they marry you is a little extreme.
Good things to focus on are how her laugh makes the angels weep with joy or how her delicate way with people makes your heart beat faster.

The poetry will work its magic. 

There is a hidden danger in poetry. The very things you so admire about her, may very well irritate you in a couple of months of dating. What makes it even worse is that you can’t tell her that that particular thing that is irritating you is irritating you. She has probably kept all the poems you ever wrote to, or about her. Maybe even filed them alphabetically or chronologically. Just in case you ever tell her she has a grating laugh, she has evidence to the contrary. 

Another danger, so easily ignored by young love, is that there is a point where it becomes too gooey. The sweetness there of makes you want to vomit. A good way to ensure equilibrium is to have an open minded friend read it before you send it off. A true friend will criticise you.

Point is, you don’t have to be a poet to write poetry.

Poetry is the marijuana of the literary world. Just as marijuana is a stepping stone to more dangerous drugs, so is poetry the stepping stone to real writing.

Another aspect that makes writing like drugs is that it is very addictive. Once you start, you find it is very therapeutic and recreational. And it makes you feel happy. 

A good way to start off your writing career, is to keep a diary. Publishing your diary can bring you fame; just look at Anne Frank or Bridget Jones.

You have to break a few eggs to make an omelette, as it were. So don’t expect your first publication to be a best seller. Do not be discouraged. Rejection will make you stronger. Or lower your self esteem so much that you will be afraid to make a decision ever again. 
But, as Celia Brayfield said, “It’s no fun having dinner with other writers: they have crap social skills, poor personal hygiene and toxic jealousy.” 

So, if you find you can’t relate to people and everyone behind you in the queue at the grocery store maintain their distance, then congratulations. You are a real writer.