So here I am. Sitting. At the computer. I’m supposed to be writing something, God knows that I haven’t the slightest idea of what that should be, but I’m determined to write something. I’m suffering from writer’s block.

If you or someone you care about is suffering from writer’s block, don’t panic. There is help for you. Seriously. I will now present to you five helpful…ish tips on how you too can conquer writer’s block.

Now what are they going to be… hmm… oh my god, is that a -

1. Stare at fish. Fish are amazing cures for writer’s block. Not only are they a singular and plural noun – and that alone should be enough to make your head spin – they are actually living creatures that swim around in water. And since they are living creatures, you can ask questions about them that may inspire your next story. For example, did you know that fish poop whenever they want, even when they are swimming around with their other ocean buddies? Now that you have your insightful question, it’s time to apply it to a story. Hey, what if I wrote a story about a guy who just pooped wherever and whenever he wanted – like a fish does! I can call him Fishboy! Wow! Isn’t it amazing how such a simple question was turned into an action-packed epic? And all because of our aquatic friends. Thanks fish! I love you!
2. Icicle. Not many people know how to icicle. In fact for a long time, it was considered to be just a noun. And it is. But don’t let the fact that it’s not even a verb make you think that you can’t icicle with the best of them. Icicling is a great cure for writer’s block. In order to icicle, you’ll need an egg and a big block of ice. Continue to hit the block of ice with the egg until you have a smaller block of ice. At some point, you’ll come up with a story. Or a mess. But hopefully a story. If no story produces itself, repeat the process until it does or until you’re committed to a mental institution.
3. Scare people. Murder. Death. Fear. These are just a few of the words that you will find in any good dictionary. But they are also words that describe a good mystery novel. And every mystery novel begins with scaring someone. If you want to write a mystery novel, you will have to practice the art. There are many great ways to scare people. My favorite is the awkward stare. I actually do this in real life. Just awkwardly stare at someone until they give a reaction. Write that reaction down and make it the opening line of your future best-selling mystery novel. You are well on your way, gumshoe!
4. Make your cat walk across the keyboard and whatever he writes is the opening line of your story. Ah yes. The tried and true MYCWATKAWHWITOLOYS Method. This is especially great if you are writing a science fiction (random gibberish works great as computer code or an alien tongue) or romance novel (random gibberish works great as dialogue and non-dialogue). The most important thing though is to not let your cat know that he has helped you as he may start to get a big head. This will negatively impact his ability to walk across the keyboard and you will get less inspired gibberish than before. It may even turn out to be readable, eliminating any hope at all of writing a successful romance novel. You can mitigate the effect (heh, mitigate is a funny word) by feeding him fish that fail to produce enough questions.
5. Fetch a stick. Hold a stick in your hand. Tell yourself this is your story, waiting to happen. Throw it into the air. This represents its ability to fly. You didn’t know that every good story needs to be able to fly? Pft. And you call yourself an author. Anyway. When it lands, run and fetch it. This represents the story idea entering your hand and going into your brain. Now wait patiently for the story idea to come to you. If nothing does, icicle.

Now that you have five more weapons of mass writing block destruction in your arsenal, nothing will ever bring you down! So go out there and write something!

To be perfectly honest for just a minute, the actual best cure for writer’s block is just to write, even if it’s random nonsense, and simply not stop. But you already knew that. (By the way, I am not liable for any injury that occurs to anyone desperate enough to try these ideas. But I am definitely liable for any fun.)