Avoidance

I am not suffering from writer’s block. I’m simply avoiding the task of writing right now.

There are several topics circling in my head which I feel I should address. They are deeply personal and make up part of the baggage I’m trying hard to rid myself of. Well, maybe I’m not trying to rid myself of them, at least not very hard. It’s possible that I’ve become so familiar with these hang-ups that I’ve finally just given in and let them define me.

That would be a simple equation, wouldn’t it? And it would also sort of give me a place to rest, since I’m already comfortable here. It would be very easy to say:

Lack of confidence + Laziness + Sexual Frustration + Need to be loved + Loneliness + No idea what he wants to do with his life = Jason

But clearly, I’m not comfortable here. Why else would I be seeking the next thing or writing self- revelatory things or dreaming of taking a long pilgrimage walk in Spain if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m trying to find a better me, a real me, an authentic me?

No, it’s not comfort stopping me right now. Without a doubt it is fear that stands before me and limits me. Fear looks at what I need to address and whispers in my ear, “Are you sure you want to look at that? That one might be hard. It might be painful to deal with.” Or worse still, “That one will be SOOOOOOO embarrassing! Are you sure you want people to know that about you?”

The answer of course, has to be a resoundingly shouted “YES!” When I found myself called to begin this journey, I knew that the only direction I could go was forward and that the only way I can go forward is by being brutally honest and self-revealing. I have to shed everything and stand naked and empty in front of God.

Of course I could easily build myself up and say that my confessions will change not only my life, but the lives of others as well. I could tell myself that some reader out there – maybe you – will take in my words and say, “This guy gets me! He really understands.” I suppose that it is possible that my words will help others, and in fact I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I hope they do. Even with that being the case, though, this really is a selfish journey for me. This is something I must do. But it is also important for me to share it.

So no, I don’t have writer’s block right now. I’m just avoiding looking in the proverbial mirror for a moment.

The way most of these words I write come out of me is shockingly simple: a topic chooses itself, speaks to me, and I listen and write down what it says. As other writers have said before, the book – or in this case, the essay – writes itself.

I know there are some big topics out there waiting their turn. Eventually I will write about sex and its place in my life; about love, both lost and hoped for; about confidence and its lack; about laziness; about lostness. There is much still to write, and I’m simply waiting for the appropriate time.

But these harsh truths aren’t all I’m avoiding. There’s a novel that started itself recently, too. I’m not afraid of it as much as I’m just intimidated by it. It is not my story. (The mysterious “they” who speak of writing always say that writers write about their own life and experiences, yet there is much to the story that has been presented to me that is very much not of my experience, but I can tell that it has much to teach me.) It’s a very big and, in many ways, a very well-known story. I’m trying to figure out why it chose me to be its recorder, its typist, and I’m also trying to understand the way it is revealing itself to me. It could truly be a wonderful task and a tremendous blessing, and yet it is incredibly daunting.

So I have ideas, material, topics. Today just isn’t the time for any of them, apparently. Today, it seems my muse wanted me to admit my fear so that I could face it. That is, after all, how we ultimately gain control, by naming our fear. Maybe this will clear the path so that I can resume the journey.

I suppose this short respite has an analog to the physical pilgrimage I seek to undertake. One can only walk so many days before needing a little extra time – a day perhaps – to rest and recharge before pressing ahead. Today has been that day off, that needed break. But a day’s rest is enough, for now. The trail resumes tomorrow.