I’ve sent this to a number of editors, the best comment I’ve gotten is "you make characters come alive" other than that I feel there is room for improvement.
I’m also still working on it. I figure that a minimum I’ve got 60 pages, at most 220 to go yet. There is a big section of the story missing between "where" they are at now and the "last" chapter. word perfect says I’m at 306 pages.
you’ve got to be kidding me. I thought this was a site for artists.
I can only upload part of the book I’m working on? fine. the first page or so
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“Aww, shit.” Maco muttered, Li looked at him, then down the hall toward what had Maco cursing. “He’s here.” Just coming up from the stairwell at the end of the hall was the Gaijin. His chin was set, he was looking directly at the two of them and the door they were guarding.
“What do we do? Aniki said, No body.’” Maco stuck his hand in his pocket so he could snake his fingers through the knuckles he kept there. Li noticed, he shifted his Si forward. They both turned to watch the other approach.
“Aniki said no one goes in. So no one goes in, not even you.” Maco, an exceptionally
large and muscular man with a bald head and an ugly scar under his left eye, sounded confident.
As Gaijin approached cold sweat began to prickle Maco’s forehead, it’s chill running down his spine. The Gaijin walked past Li then leaned on the door opposite the two, folding his arms in front of him.
They all called him Gaijin, because no one could pronounce his name properly, and the
term didn’t seem to offend him. He was taller than most of them, built the way they expected American sports players looked. His hair was a light brown with some grey, cut close on the sides but the top was long enough that it curled. The look was almost cute compared to the rest of the gang who kept their heads shaved clean or grew it in their particular style. For the rest of them though, their hair was jet black. His goatee was what most noticed though. All Gaijin were pale and had any multitude of features, the goatee should have been like the hair on his head; it though, was red. Ranging in color from the color of fresh blood to the red of hot coals.
“Does it look like I’m going in?” He watched them both, waiting.
“Weren’t you supposed to be in Hamada?” Li put his hand on the hilt of the Si. “Aniki
sent you there to get something done right?” The Gaijin rolled his eyes and looked off to the
south, then back at the two of them.
“I got it done.” He raised his hands like it should have been obvious.
“I heard something about that,” Maco’s voice grumbled as he tried to sound threatening.
“Even if you did finish that job there’s no way you’d be back here already.” He pulled the fist
with the metal knuckles out of his pocket.
“I heard there was some major action, raided a research place?” Gaijin pushed himself off the wall standing ready before the two of them with the ease of a cat. “What’s in there?”
“Aniki said no one, that means you too.” The two men facing the Gaijin tensed.
“I wasn’t going to go in, I just wanted to know. I don’t mind waiting for the boss to show
up.” Gaijin paused, then smiled at them. “You wouldn’t be.. threatening, me.. would you?” He’d
put emphasis on threatening to remind them of what had happened to others who had threatened
him.
One had died, and three others were moved to a prison infirmary after they were no longer in critical condition. Those four were the toughest in the gang, and Gaijin wasn’t even breathing hard after he’d broken them. They had thought to teach a stupid Gaijin his place when he’d spoken out of turn. No one could remember seeing the way he fought, it was simply one moment they were all facing each other and the next, over.
“No!” Li’s voice was little higher as he broke into a higher pitch. “No.. Aniki said no one, we was
just telling you that.” Gaijin nodded, but didn’t move.
“So, What’s in there?” Maco and Li looked at each other, unsure what to do. “I figure Boss sent me down south so that I wouldn’t be here for some reason. Whatever that is, I’m here now and they had to know I would be… so, What’s in there?” The two of them still seemed unsure. “Alright, where the boss then?” With the shift in conversation some of the tension in them could visibly leave.
“Aniki said she had to get some arraignments made for moving .. uh.” Maco realized he’d almost said what was in the room. “.. our haul.” Kids, Gaijin thought.
“Oh? Why, is it radioactive or something?” Gaijin made a motion of peeking through the door, though it was in no way open. Both of them went half way into their own fighting stances again.
“Look, we don’t want any sort of problems, but Aniki said no one goes in.” Li had his Si
out and pointed at Gaijin, but it was shaking slightly. To Gaijin the miniature trident with too long a middle point was more amusing than threatening.
“I can tell, you’re both thinking of what your first move should be.. thinking about how
close the wall is and if you could just pin me to it… “ both of them shifted backward some. “But
I am not here to fight with you, or break your promise to the boss. I’m just curious.” Maco
lunged forward grabbing Gaijin’s coat, with his large metal fist raised behind his head.. and then fell to the ground out cold. Li hadn’t seen Gaijin so much as blink, then the next thing he knew Gaijin was crouching in front of him, while he lay on the floor some distance from the door.
“Now, lets try to behave alright?” Gaijin was not threatening him or even angry it
seemed, numbly Li nodded in the affirmative. “Good,” Gaijin slapped his hands on his thighs
causing Li to flinch then simply stood up and walked over to Maco. Li shuddered to think
what could have happened to him, then with some surprise searched his person for his Si. Li
heard another slap, this time it was Maco’s face. Maco surged awake, swinging. The Gaijin
blocked the swing and shouted, “Maco!”
“Huh?” Now awake, Li could see the fear wash over Maco, probably the same way it had himself.
“I only wanted a peek, because I’m curious.” Gaijin spoke slowly and deliberately. Maco stopped struggling looking up and down the hall until he saw the door was still closed. He relaxed some but shook his head no.
“Aniki said no.” Maco tried to stand but Gaijin put a hand on his chest keeping him
down.
“Then just tell me.” Li couldn’t see their weapons anywhere, and seriously doubted that
tackling Gaijin was wise. “I’m going to find out one way or another, so just tell me.” Gaijin
always had a pleasant kind-of smile on his face, like everything he saw or did was part of a
private joke. The way he was speaking though, Li was sure he could beat it out of them leaving the door locked yet, his curiosity satisfied.
“It’s a chick,” Li blurted out. Gaijin and Maco looked at him.
*I’m on page 306 or well, probably 312 now*
Tags: forgotten realms, Novel, Writing