News editors get tons of press releases everyday. The best float to the top and see publication in a couple of days. The bad ones go into the rubbish bin. The worse ones end up in his personal hall of shame, and perhaps become his favorite example when lecturing on what a press release should never be.

If you’re opting to be last in this list and to earn the infamy of your local publication circle, consider these steps on how to make the world’s worst press release:

1. Use a boring headline. Nothing quite brings out a yawn as much as a ho-hum title like, “Acme Company Holds Annual Office Picnic.” Have the editor keep asking ‘so what?’ and ‘who cares?’ Or simply lull him to sleep -those eyebags look pretty gruesome.
2. Observe terrible grammar and spelling. Turn off the spell and grammar check. Leave your subjects and verbs in disagreement. Generously sprinkle it with textese. Because editors need to be reminded why they don’t teach high school English and Literature.
3. Never follow the journalistic format. In this postmodern world, why go for the standard who-what-when-where-why-how format? Why bother with creating a compelling lead and meaty details? Start with the first sentence of the chairman’s speech, which is usually “Ahherrm… Is this thing on?”
4. Stretch your article over three pages. It is not about brevity. It is about adding all the little irrelevant details, such as what was served for lunch. Still too short? Add in excerpts of the company brochure. Triple the amount of adjectives. Hey, those editors are trained to read fast, right?
5. Handwrite it. Nothing brings a deep sense of that personal touch and friendliness like a handwritten press release. Better if the penmanship resembles that of a preschooler, and laid out on crumpled and smudged paper. Bonus points if the press release is a bit smelly.