10 Steps to Writing a Lively Obituary

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When someone dies the grief is unbearable. Having to write an obituary pours salt on that wound. This article provides a simple ten step list to writing a memorable obituary and helps to ease the pain of the task. A good obituary helps ease your own grief, the pain of friends and family, and closes the casket lid on a life well spent.

If you are searching for the right way to write an obit for someone you have loved take small comfort in knowing that others have done it before you.  You need kindness, comfort and support. This guide is intended to help you find the words through your grief. It sounds ironic writing something lively, yet many would agree that a life remembered as lively, is a life that has been well spent.  To avoid mishaps take time to edit your obituary. The shock of a misprint is difficult to describe

1. Time Heals All Wounds 

Take time and care with your obituary.  Find out the appropriate style for your local newspaper. This will make the task easier, as you will know what is required, before you print it. Also, ask for help with writing from friends or family.  When you are sad the difficult job of composing something that will respect your beloved becomes a real chore.  If it is hard to find the time then give the task to a person apart from the departed.  Ask a work colleague a cousin of the deceased to compile it, as their impartial view may spare your own pain.

2. Write Only About the Deceased

Don’t write about the living – it is a time to remember the late.  Exclude words like, “Myself, my husband and the kids deeply regret the loss of our friend Fred and hope his friends do too.” Rather say something like, “Our beloved Fred led a stellar life in entertainment wishing joy on everyone that he met.”  Always focus on the departed, removing all reference to the living, except where it relates to the life of the late, e.g. “Our loved one, Fred, is survived by his loving wife Jane and children, Jimmy, James, Shane, SuAnne and Sarah.” Mention the living in relation to the departed.

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3. Follow a Format and Hold to Budget

Many have come before the dearly loved so there are plenty of templates to follow.  Formats are available on the Internet, from the daily paper that you intend publishing it in and from funeral homes.  Find a format that best suits the situation.  You will save effort if you have a decent format. Unnecessary words are more difficult than keeping it straightforward.  If you are on a budget then find out the cost for an obituary. Newspapers will charge for cost per word, line and any formatting costs.  A small and humble obituary may be appropriate.

4. The Service and Obituary Format 

This a format for a funeral service and can be used for the obituary, too.  Shorten this version for the newspaper or request a one from the newspaper. It is suggested that you stick to their version to avoid misprints.  Identity theft is a common problem. Include few specifics such as their birth date. You also may consider omitting all the dates if you feel that too much information is being divulged.  Never include the home address of the late as someone may be burgling your beloved’s house while you attend the funeral!

Announcement

This sets the tone for the obituary heralding the fact of the friend’s departure.

• Full name and nickname, if they had one
• Their age at the time they died
• The place where they lived
• The day they died and it’s date
• Where they died
• How they died. Include this only if their death was mild or in the military avoiding a gruesome description.

Life

Really bring out happy memories of the life lived. Focus on the departed person’s adventure whilst living.  One suggestion is finding out what the person liked or something adventurous that they did when they were alive.

• Date of Birth; take care not to write the full birth date due to identity theft. e.g. Fred was born 23rd of September,1945
• Place of Birth – Town or maternity ward
• Name of the deceased parents or guardians
• Siblings – brothers, sisters, step-brothers and step-sisters
• A pithy, happy tale about their early days
• Schools attended
• Friends they had a school who made their lives happy
• Marriage – just the spouse’s first name, as the funeral is all about the departed person
• Place they married
• Date of the Wedding
• Education – primary, secondary and tertiary places of scholarship
• Awards received in their education and life
• Where they worked with more short anecdotes about attainments, colleagues and promotions.

Family

The living can be mentioned but in the relation to the deceased person.

Survived by:

• Spouse
• Children – in order of oldest to youngest and their spouses
• Grandchildren – in the order from oldest to youngest
• Great-grandchildren – in order of oldest to youngest manner
• Parents – Step-parents and the living relatives
• Grandparents
• Siblings – in order from oldest to youngest
• Others – such as nephews and nieces or cousins
• Friends
• Pets – if they had special pets.

This is one point where it is acceptable to mention the living but always reflect back as to how they fitted into the departed’s days.

Those who have died already in the family and the date they died:

• Spouse
• Children – in order oldest to youngest
• Grandchildren
• Siblings – from oldest to youngest.

It sounds dignified remembering those who came before as it places the deceased amongst the ancestry.

Service

Anchor the survivors into a format that they can use providing clear information for all to follow.

• Day, date, time and place
• Name of officiates, pallbearers, honorary pallbearers with other information you feel you need to add that may suit the situation.
• Visitation times, if you have arranged a visitation for grievers with day, date, time and place
• Wake times – day, date, time and place
• Memorials, if any, with correct day, date and times
• Place of internment
• Name of the Funeral home
• Where to call for more information.

End

Finish the process with contented memories that will stay with the living for the rest of their days.

• Memorial funds that you might have established
• Memorial donation suggestions with addresses
• Thank to people who helped, groups or clubs
• Include a fun poem or tale to remember the person
• Three words to sum up their life.

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5. Keep It Simple, Keep It Light 

Try and keep it light.  Avoid words that imply heaviness and death such as, “Fred died knowing that he was finally free of the ravages of cancer that he endured.”  Perhaps you might write, “Fred happily recalled the time he walked with a friend (include name) on a beautiful sunny day in Spring before he passed away.”

6. Compose the Obituary Then Always Double-Check

After you write the obituary get someone to check it for accuracy.  Submit the obituary in a manner that can be edited easily.  Email is editable, not a handwritten or typed copy. An editable form means that it can be easily fixed for mistakes. Avoid something handwritten as it needs to be rewritten. This could cause printing errors.  There is nothing more shocking than an obituary filled with blunders causing dismay to the aggrieved.

7. Submit the Obituary Well Before the Deadline at the Paper

Early submission reduces misprints by the newspaper. Catch misprints before printing.  Submitted late and you run the chance of editorial mistakes.  If you do find mistakes after it is published call the paper straight away. Ask for a reprint as newspapers are happy to oblige.

8. Avoid Clichés

Avoid clichés when writing like, “In lieu of flowers please donate.” State something like, “Although Fred loved flowers he would have preferred you helped his much loved charity (include name). A donation to them would have made him very happy.”

9. Delegate the Task to a Writer

Find a writer in your family who can write well.  A well written eulogy and obituary leaves a beautiful reminder of the deceased person.  A poorly written one leaves a bitter taste in the mouth.

10. Link the Style of the Obit to the Service

The prime reason I included a service format with an obituary format is to link the style of the obituary with the service. Create a mood that mirrors the person’s life with design, colour and style.

An obituary is possibly the most difficult piece of writing that you will ever write. Delegate the task to others if it is stressful.  Always double-check it before it goes to print making sure the newspaper receives the announcement in editable form.  Ask for help from someone who cares and write only in the context of the deceased’s life not the life of the living.  That way you can be assured of a lively and memorable obituary that truly does brings honor to a life well lived.

My deepest sympathy if you ever have to write an obituary. Best of Luck.