I had been standing there for over an hour and was beginning to feel stressed.  Life’s decisions can overwhelm a person quickly on some days, and our choices can significantly impact not only our own lives but the lives of all those around us.

This was a particularly tough decision to have to make.

I was so in tune with my environment that I could sense someone was standing behind me, even while I was staring at the choices in front of me.  I decided to seek the advice of the anonymous shadow.

“What do you think,” I began.  “Should I get the macaroni and cheese for thirty-one cents or the can of tuna in spring water for thirty-four cents?  Each is on sale and each is a good deal.”

“Oh the weight of heavy burdens that you youngsters must bear,” the voice behind me lamented.

It was Aunt Ruth.

“Aunt Ruth!” I exclaimed.  “What are you doing here in the grocery store?”

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“I’m ballroom dancing,” she replied.  “What do you think I’m doing here?  Shall you dance with me?”

“Will you dance with me,” I stated, gently but firmly correcting her.

“I asked you first,” she huffed.

“It’s not a question of being first, it’s a matter of proper language usage.”

“Will you teach me?” she sarcastically whined with a scowl.

“I shall.”

“You shall?”

“No, ‘You will?’”

“Wait,” she objected.  “I asked you, and now you’re asking me.”

“I am not.”

“You are too.”

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

“Am … look, I was just correcting you,” I said, mildly exasperated.  One by one, people were gathering around us.

“But I didn’t even say anything worth correcting.”

“Yes, ‘You shall?’” I reminded her.

“I shall what?” she asked, confused.

“No, you said, ‘You shall?’  That is incorrect.”

“Why?”

“You see, my dear Aunt Ruth, the word ’shall’ is to be used for first person future tense for declarative statements; the word ‘will’ is to be used for second and third person future tense for declarative statements.”

“You tell her, buddy!” someone in the crowd yelled.

“Yeah, you the man!” shouted another.

She gave me a blank look as if someone had just pushed her “Clear Entry” button.

I continued.  “Look, my dear aunt, it’s like this.  I shall go to the store.  You will go to the store.  He will go to the store.”

“Who’s he?” she asked.  She was clearly flustered but seemed oblivious to the more than forty people gathered around us.

“Never mind,” I sighed.  “That’s not important now.  Just remember, I shall, you will, and he will.”

Somewhere in the crowd a chant started, first as a whisper but soon erupting into something akin to a stadium cheer.

The left side of the crowd was yelling the pronouns while the right side was responding with “shall” or “will” as appropriate.

“I!” shouted the left side of the crowd.

“Shall!” shouted the right.

“You!” yelled the left.

“Will!” yelled the right.

“He!” roared the left.

“Will!” roared the right, and the crowd then did the wave.

Everyone did high fives, followed by a big group hug, and it took a minute for everyone to settle down again.

Aunt Ruth picked up where we had paused.  “Look, if you shall, and I will, and he will …”

“No, no, no,” I emphatically stated.  “I shall.  You will.  He will.”

“That’s what I said,” she argued.  “You shall, I will, and …”

“Stop!” I interrupted.  “When you are speaking about yourself, or in other words you are speaking in first person, you can say, ‘I shall.’  When you are speaking to or about someone else, whether it’s second or third person, you should say, ‘You will,’ or, ‘He will,’ respectively, for declarative statements.”

“Whoa there, young fella,” she replied.  “Do you mean to say that you can’t say, ‘I will,’ at all?”

“That’s telling him, lady,” yelled one of the onlookers.

“Yeah, tell him, Aunt Ruth,” shouted another.

Uh oh, the tide was turning.  I was losing my fan base.

From the bowels of the crowd, another groundswell developed.

“Aunt!”

“Ruth!”

“Aunt!”

“Ruth!”

“Look, stop it already,” I interrupted.  This was getting silly and out of hand, even for a freelance article on grammar usage.

That silenced the crowd.

“I didn’t mean to imply that you couldn’t ever say, ‘I will.’  Of course you can say that.  Formally, ‘I will’ implies a determined mindset that one absolutely is bound to do something.  For example, I absolutely will lay a plate of spaghetti on top of your head or I’ll die trying.”

“But don’t people also use ‘will’ in place of ’shall,’ even for first person?”

“Sure, and that’s become accepted, more or less.  The thing I’m harping on is that people use ’shall’ for second or third person in declarative statements, and it should not be used that way.”

“Oh I see,” she said.

“You do?” I asked, somewhat surprised.

“No, not really,” she admitted.  “It’s getting late, though, and this article needs to get finished and submitted so that the author can go to sleep.”

Suddenly a dance band started playing lively music in the background, and it had a definite south of the border feel to it.  It must have been coming from aisle five, because that’s where they keep … the salsa.

“Will you dance with me, my darling nephew?”

“I shall, dear Aunt Ruth.”

And we danced up and down the aisles of the grocery store for perhaps fifteen minutes.  That was when we ran into the display stack of Mr. Bojack’s Pork and Beans and knocked every one of the cans — and there were five hundred twenty-seven of them — over and sent them rolling across the store.

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The crowd dispersed as soon as the first can went flying, and moments later the only people standing at the location where cans had been were Aunt Ruth, myself, and one very unhappy store manager.

“You will pick these up,” he declared.

“Yes, I shall,” I humbly agreed.

Forty-five minutes later, after I finished stacking the cans — all five hundred twenty-seven of them — back on the display, I realized I was back where I started.  I needed to make a decision.

“Macaroni and cheese, or tuna in spring water.”

I wanted the tuna, but the three cent difference was killing me.  Aunt Ruth read my mind.

“You know, after you submit your article about tonight to one of those freelance writing sites, you will make up the three cent difference in a few days, perhaps even in a day if you’re lucky.”

“I shall?” I asked, hopefully.

“You will,” said she.  “Hey, another question have I for thee.”

“Okay, shoot,” I said.

“Can anyone ever say, ‘You shall,’ or is it always wrong?”

“If you are stating a command or a threat or something, then sure.  ‘You shall eat every carrot and pea on your plate or I shall strangle you’ is an example of that.  That’s fine.”

“Oh I see.”

“Really?”

“No, but it’s time to go.”

“Say Aunt Ruth, would you like to come over and have a sip of elderberry wine?”

Before you could say, “Lie, lay, lain, lying,” she was out the door and out of sight.

For other articles on grammar by this author, please see the following:

I’m Nauseated, So Are You Nauseous?

I Laid an Egg on Aunt Ruth’s Head

Hopefully Hopeless

Aunt Ruth Is She for Whom the Bell Tolls