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Seven Ways to Know When a Man Loves You

Its a book that helps women to know if a man loves them and really wants to be with them.

INTRODUCTION

My interactions with women all over Nigeria in the last few years have shown that love still remains an important factor in their lives. They want to be loved and cared for, they want someone who will be by their side both in good and bad times, yet they are simply confused when it comes to knowing a man loves them.

The general belief is that sex is love and this has made the female folk more confused because regular sex with their partners have not filled the void created by a lack of love.

This small book is written to give women a basic understanding of what love is and to enable them to know when a man truly cares about them.

The first two chapters tries to explain what love and infatuation is all about. While the final chapter provides basic information on seven ways through which women can tell if a man loves them. I hope that this book would be able to provide answers to the questions women ask about love.

IFEBI I.E.

         CHAPTER ONE

LOVE

What is love? Love means different things to different people. Some believe that it is an affair of the heart why others believe that it is a feeling that cannot be described. The Longman dictionary defines love as a warm liking or affection for something or someone. Other versions, defines it as a strong feeling of deep affection for something or someone. To me, the best definition of love can be found in the bible in 1st Corinthians chapter 13 {we would treat this chapter later}.

The truth is that we all need love, the need to love can be described as one of the greatest needs of man. It is a need that we all yearn for as babies, children, teenagers and adults even to a very old age. As a matter of fact, we were born with an innate need for love. This was scientifically proven in an experiment by a german researcher named Renespitz.

Spitz experimented with a number of infants in a European foundling home. The infants were allowed to stay with their mothers during the first three months of life and they developed normally. Then they were separated from their mothers and cared for by nurses, they were fed well, got good medical attention but received little love and attention from the nurses. Thirty percent of the infants died in their first year and most of the survivors had problems. The experiment showed that love is an essential need in the life of humans.

Millions of youth across the world are grappling with the challenge of romantic love. They crave that attachment with that special someone that they see in their dreams. Due to this need for love, they begin to enter into all sorts of relationships hoping to find love but end up being used and broken hearted. Hundreds of youths enter relationships because someone tells them he loves them only for the same person that is supposed to be the source of their joy and happiness turning out to cause them sorrow and pains. These youths base their emotion on feelings hoping that it is love and that it will last for a life time.

True love goes beyond feelings and emotions. It goes beyond two people feeling “something” for each other. As stated earlier, the bible is the only book that contains a vivid description of what true love is all about. Apostle Paul described what love is all about in 1st Corinthians chapter 13. Now let us look at the attributes of true love as written in the bible.

LOVE IS PATIENT

The bible tells us that love is patient. Anyone that loves must be patient with the object of his love. We all have certain weaknesses and patience is a virtue that we need to enable the other person to work and overcome them. Also patience comes to the fore in a relationship. Two people in a relationship needs to allow the relationship to grow at its pace. One should not try to make a relationship move faster beyond the capacity of the other person. Someone who loves you will be patient with you irrespective of your weakness and shortcomings.

In the bible, Jacob was an example of a man in love who had the quality of patience. He was in love with Rachel and pledged to work seven years for her father so that he can marry her. But when the seven years elapsed, he was given Rachel’s elder sister Leah because the custom then was that the oldest daughter must get married before the younger one. So Jacob had to work for an extra seven years to marry Rachel. Wow! That is patience.

LOVE IS KIND

Love is kind. It seeks to encourage others and make them better persons. Love respects other people’s feelings and is interested in their happiness. When two people having a relationship express genuine kindness to each other, it strengthens their love and makes them constantly aware of each other’s presence. Kindness can come in the form of being genuinely interested in the person you love, spending quality time with each other, giving each other compliments all the time and also exchanging gifts.

LOVE IS NOT JEALOUS

Jealousy is self-serving, it usually involves an insecured and immatured heart. Even though humans we all exhibit jealous tendencies every now and then. Excessive jealousy is a detriment to a relationship and the bible captures this in Proverbs 27 verse 4 which says “wrath is fierce and anger is a flood, but who can stand before jealousy?

Jealousy is a sign of possessiveness. A jealous person usually denies other people the right to associate and express themselves with other people. Someone who loves you will not be overtly jealous and will give you the freedom and space you need to excel in whatever you do.

LOVE DOES NOT BRAG

Love does not boast, it does not try to impress another person. In our everyday life, we see people boasting about themselves, about their achievements to make people admire or like them. True love does not do that. A person with a good character and quality does not need to brag about himself. The opinions others have about him is enough to open doors for him.

LOVE IS NOT PROUD

When a person tells another person that “if you decide to stop this relationship, you will not survive without me”, it shows that the person is proud and full of himself. True love is not proud. It humbles itself before the other person.

LOVE IS NOT SELF-SEEKING

Love is not selfish or self-centered. It thinks about the welfare of the other person. It creates ways to improve that person. Love is all about giving and giving and giving. When someone claims to love you and only demands from you without reciprocating, then there is a problem.

LOVE IS NOT RUDE

Love is not rude and treats the other person with courtesy and respect. Love is sensible to the feelings of others and does not do anything disgraceful or dishonorable.

LOVE IS NOT EASILY ANGERED

Even though most of us have traits of anger, a very good attribute of someone in love is that; he controls his anger no matter the level of provocation. Love is not easily offended. It reacts slowly and in a loving way. The futility of anger can be seen in the bible in Proverbs 22 verse 24 which says “do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered”.

LOVE KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONGS

When two people are involved in a relationship, they must be willing to forgive each other of every wrong done. Love does not hold grudges. It is not resentful and full of revenge. Love forgives and forgets. For us to love someone, we must be able to forgive and forget the wrongs done to us.

LOVE DOES NOT DELIGHT IN EVIL, BUT REJOICES IN THE TRUTH.

Love does not take pleasure in evil things or behavior. Love emphasizes a life that is pleasing to all and sundry. A life that does not find pleasure in doing what is wrong. Also, when we love someone we must strive to always tell the truth no matter the consequences that might arise. When the person you love is doing something bad that might affect him or others, it is better to call him and tell him the truth about what he or she is doing.

LOVE ALWAYS TRUST

When we don’t trust the person we love, it means there is a problem with our love. Trust is the foundation of love and without trust the foundation of a relationship is shaky. Love is putting our trust in the other person with the hope that the trust is not compromised.

LOVE ALWAYS HOPE

Love is always positive about the future. It believes that the relationship can only grow and get better. Any love relationship lacking hope, needs to be thoroughly examined.

LOVE ALWAYS PERSEVERES

Our world is faced with different challenges affecting every facet of our lives. But we notice that inspite of these challenges, the people that we love matter to us and we will go out of our way to help them even from the little that we have. Love conquers all and staying with someone in spite of the ups and downs is really a sign of love.

LOVE NEVER FAILS

Scott Kirby in his book dating guidelines from the bible says that “love cannot be shaken”. It never ceases. It is always there. Nothing can cause you to cease loving if it is true love. For me, love has existed right from the day God created the universe. It is one of the few things that won’t let us down when we need it. So if you find it, you had better keep it.

This bible passage has explained all we need to know about love. Love is interested in the other person. It strives to improve the life of that person. Scott Kirby said in his book dating guidelines from the bible that love is a genuine commitment of one’s heart, mind and soul to another person. I hope that this chapter has satisfied your quest for knowledge about love.

    CHAPTER TWO

                                     INFATUATION

                   Many people mistake infatuation for love. Infatuation is simply related with “love at first sight”. Infatuation is based on the feelings that arise from what we see. It is usually associated with physical attributes and not with the inner qualities and character of the person we claim to love.

                   Infatuation is selfish. it is only interested in satisfying itself. When someone is infatuated, the person only thinks of what he wants and not how to give. One of the proven ways to differentiate between love and infatuation is time. It has been discovered that infatuation dies with time especially when the attracting factor is no more visible. With time the feelings are lost and the person involved falls out of love. They begin to search for those feelings that they believe constitute love all over again.

                  I was told the story of a guy who met a girl and fell in love with her. He was always bragging about how beautiful the girl was. In fact he was in love with her face. The girl later had an accident that resulted in burns all over her face and body. The guy who claimed to love her broke up with her after visiting her in the hospital to see things for himself. His comments  were “this was not the girl I fell in love with”. This is a clear case of infatuation. He was infatuated by the beauty he saw. He was not interested in her inner qualities and character.

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LOVE AND INFATUATION

1.    Love is attracted by the other person’s complete personality and attributes while infatuation is mostly impressed or interested in the other person’s physical appearance.

2.    Love always cares about the things that affect or interest the other person while infatuation is selfish, always thinking of what to get from the other person.

3.    Love is always patient and loving despite the weakness of the other person while infatuation is deceitful and usually believes the other person is perfect.

4.    In love, romance begins slowly, perhaps taking months or years. While romance starts immediately within hours or days when infatuation is involved.

5.    Love makes you a better person, you feel loved, encouraged and happier while people that who are infatuated usually end up emotionally disturbed, gets easily angry and discouraged at the turn of events.

6.    Love wants to share and give to the other person. An infatuated person is only interested in taking or getting especially material things and in satisfying sexual desires.

CHAPTER THREE

SEVEN WAYS TO KNOW A MAN THAT LOVES YOU

              Women all over the world have always asked this question for years now. How do I know if man that loves me?

              In Nigeria, this question can still be heard from the lips of our young girls, adults and even married women. It has grown so worse that most of the female folk believe that love do not exist, that even when it does, it is only found when a woman loves a woman.

              A woman is meant to be loved, she is soft, tender and like a child. She wants to be taken care of, to be treated like a small child and worshipped like a queen. While growing up she spends hours dreaming of a prince who is going to sweep her off her feet, make her happy and make all her dreams come through. As she grows older, her dreams begin to fall apart and she wonders where her shining prince is. She discovers that the real life is different from what she has read in romantic novels or watched in romantic films. They move from one relationship to another, thinking that the next person would be better than the previous one.

              Most girls of today are so confused that they keep wondering if there is love in their relationships. They love their partner but they seem not to be getting enough from the relationship. They feel unloved, unwanted and feel used. Most of the girls have discovered that the only thing that seems to work in their relationships is sex.

              Due to the misguided conception that love is sex, most of this these girls have gone on to believe that when they have sex with their partners that it signifies love. Some have sex with their partners as many times as they can, yet there is this deep yearning in them that is yet to be filled and this has made lots of them to conclude that men don’t love and what men want is sex.

               The guys on the other hand have acquired skills to enable them make the girls believe that they love them when they don’t. They lie to the girls that love is all about sex, that any girl who is not having sex with her partner does not love him. These men might show the normal signs of a man in love yet he is not in love. When a man says he loves a woman, one should pay attention to his behavior and body language. For example,

i.                   Does he say “I love you” when he wants to have sex with you?

ii.                 Does he look into your eyes when he says “I love you?

iii.              Does he declare his love for you in public?

iv.              Does he only say “I love you” when you guys are quarrelling?

v.                 Does he only say “I love you” when he is extremely happy he has enough money to spend?

  These and other attitudes that we often take for granted can show us what is in a man’s mind.

  The truth is that there are lots of men that are capable of loving a woman the right way. Even though the general notion among women is that men don’t love, I want to tell you that men can also love intensely like women. Many men have been victims of heartbreaks resulting from their loving a woman.

  I am going to talk on seven ways through which a woman can tell if a man loves her. Though men have different ways of expressing love, this seven ways are the most obvious signs of a man in love.

1.    QUALITY TIME

  A man who loves a woman will want to spend time with her anytime he is free no matter how busy or tight his schedule is. If the man lives with his woman in the same city or town and doesn’t even make out time to see her. Then his claim of loving her is false.

  Loving someone usually comes with a natural craving to be with that person as much as one can. The quality time spent enables them to talk with each other, communicate their fears, dreams and future aspirations. Nowadays, we see people who claim to love each other, yet they haven’t seen for months even though they live in the same city. When they get to meet, it is in a hotel or in a quiet place for sex and the man goes off again only to contact the man several weeks later.

When a man is in love, he keeps contact with his woman as many times as he can, and still finds time out of his busy schedule to see her as often as he can.

2.     RESPECT

Respect is very important in a relationship. The level of respect a man has for his woman certainly indicates how much he loves and values her. Late Mrs Bimbo odukoya in her book “How to choose a life partner” said that; “respect begets love”. This simply means that a relationship without respect has a very low chance of experiencing a growth in love.

          A man that loves you will never put you down in front of his friends even in public. He will always support you in spite of your shortcomings. Even when issues arise between the two of you in public, he will respect you and wait till the two of you are alone to thrash the issue. A man who puts down or hurts his woman in public certainly does not love her. If he does, he won’t beat her up in public or humiliate her.

Let me share a story with you. At the area where I live, there is this girl who was always beaten up by her boyfriend even in public. Whenever they have a little misunderstanding, the boyfriend reacts by beating her up. One day I asked her what she was still doing with a guy that beats her up and tears her clothes in public, exposing her nakedness to the world. She replied that she loved him and that the guy loved her too. That is not true because a man that loves his woman will not beat up the object of his love in public and even go to the extent of tearing her clothes, exposing her nakedness to the world.

3.    INTEREST

A man in love shows deep interest in the woman he loves. The ladies need to be careful here because some guys have perfected the art of showing genuine interest in a girl just to take her to bed. The difference is that when the guy wants sex and doesn’t get it, his interest wanes and he goes to look for another girl.

A man in love will usually stay even if the woman he loves refuses to give her body to him. He has a sustained interest in the woman he loves. He is interested in how she spent her day, her work, education, her future plans and aspirations. In fact he is interested in everything she does. He is interested in knowing her friends and family and he is nice to them. His interest in you enables him to interact positively with them. It is his interest in you that enables him to remember your birthday and other days that are special to you.

If a man starts showing more interest in his work, friends and other activities than you, then it is not a good sign. If this normally happens when you are sick, have other problems or when you refuse to have sex sleep with him. Then there is a something wrong with his declarations of love for you.

4.     TRUST

Trust is an integral part of any relationship. it is a known fact that the level of trust in a relationship is related to the amount of love present in that relationship. In his book; “love, lust or lies”, Praise George said that the level of trust in a relationship is directly proportional to the level of intimacy shared by the couple.

A man who truly loves his woman will trust her totally. He will be willing to entrust everything he has in her hands. He will be willing to enable her rise in every aspects of her life. He will allow her to make progress in her career, business and even in her relationship with other people.

Both of them must have reached a certain level of intimacy between them. They must be to open up their innermost self to one another. When we talk about intimacy, most people assume that it is sex. Intimacy is much more than a physical act between two people.

If your man doesn’t allow you to be friends with other people,  suspects your every move and whenever you go out without him,  believes you were with another man, it simply means that he doesn’t trust you and that begins to question the kind of love he has for you.

As ladies, when your man cheats on you, keeps telling lies and keeps springing surprises {you find him drinking heavily when you think he doesn’t drink.} on you with his attitude and behavior, it definitely reduces your trust in him and ultimately the relationship suffers. When a man loves you, he will have absolute trust in you. He won’t accuse you of cheating on him with someone else because you didn’t meet up with his appointment. He would not beat you up for talking to another man down the street. He would not tell you to resign from your job because he thinks your boss or male colleagues are hitting on you. He will always be secured in his love for you as long as you don’t give him any reason to doubt or suspect you.

5.    COMMITMENT

This is very trickish because most guys promise marriage to women just to get them into their bed. This kind of guys can do anything to have sex with a woman. Some other guys know what commitment is all about and would not commit to a woman except they love her. One of the ways to know a guy who is serious about a woman is his willingness to go all the way with her. He talks about the future with her, he wants her to be in his future and all that…, if he is of marriageable age, he goes the extra mile by proposing marriage and even starts preparation for the consummation of the relationship. If he starts to change the topic or ignores you when you bring up the issue about the future, then there is a problem. If he promises to marry you when he wants to sleep with you or after sleeping with you, then he doesn’t love you.

 Another issue to look at is the circumstances of the relationship. Does he prefer to keep your relationship secret? Does he love to go out with you in public or introduce you wholeheartedly to his family and friends? Does he promise marriage, but keeps postponing even when he has a good job and an apartment of his own. All these will enable you to know how committed your man is to you.

6.    SEX

Sex is an important issue in today’s relationship. Its presence has a direct bearing on love.

God created sex and you will agree with me that sex, just like everything God created is good. But God’s plan for sex was that it should exist only in committed relationships like marriage. This can be seen in Hebrews 13 verse 4 which says “marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled. But fornicators and adulterers God will judge”.

The concept of sex has been so bastardized that virtually every relationship has sex as its central theme. The unbelievable thing about sex is that it is now being called love. People think having sex with their partner is a way of expressing love to that person. To me that is the greatest lie the devil has spread amongst us today.

Going back to the theme of the book, a man that loves you will not force you to have sex with him. He would not hurt you because you refuse to give in to his demands. The issue of sex in today’s relationship has clouded people’s emotions and way of thinking that it has led to shallow relationships without solid foundations. This is the simple reason why relationships based on sex don’t last.

Now, let us look at certain issues;

a.     Why is it that a guy that claims to love a woman and has constant sex with her, tend to dump her when issues arise.

b.    Why is it that when a man impregnates a girl, denies the pregnancy or in cases where he accepts ask the girl to go for an abortion.

These two issues raised above show that sex alone cannot sustain love. Sexual intimacy should come after all other forms of intimacy like emotional intimacy, mental intimacy and spiritual intimacy have come into place. When one goes through the various stages of intimacy before sexual intimacy. It will enable the couple involved to build strong bonds with each other which will serve as the foundation of a long lasting relationship.

  The importance of sex cannot be ruled out in a committed relationship, yet it should not take the place of love. A woman can tell if a man loves her; if that man is ready to obey the word of God as regards sex and is willing to follow the various steps of intimacy before sexual intimacy. A man that loves you will not force you to have sex with him when you don’t want to. He would not threaten to terminate the relationship because you refused to have sex with him. A man that loves you will stay with you whether you have sex with him sex or not because there will be other qualities in you that will make him willing to be with you. Praise George in his book: “love, lust or lies” listed the following as traits of a sex based relationship.

i.                   They never feel loved except during sex.

ii.                 They do not have future plans. The focus is usually the immediate pleasure they derive from the relationship.

iii.              There is a feeling of insecurity. They are never sure if their partner is with them for love or for sex.

iv.              They resolve most of their issues, challenges and problems with sex.

v.                 It is only the physical qualities of their partners that is appealing to them.

vi.              They engage in sex to cover up most of their character deficiencies.

vii.            The sexual attraction fades with time because it is not true love but lust.

viii.         They always prefer to be in isolation. They are always in a hurry to lock themselves up in secret.

7.    INTIMACY

The level of intimacy in a relationship can be used to measure the amount of love present in that relationship. Intimacy is all about bonding with your partner. It is revealing everything about yourself, your dreams and desires to your partner.

 What actually comes to the mind of most youths when we talk about intimacy is sex. They feel that bonding with their partner can only be achieved by loads and loads of sex.

Intimacy has less to do with sex. Sex is actually the last process when completing the cycle of intimacy. In his book: “love, lust and lies”, Praise George says that “intimacy is a process. You begin with mental intimacy, emotional intimacy, spiritual intimacy, physical intimacy and finally sexual intimacy”. This shows that there is a sequence to be followed before real intimacy can be built.

For a man to completely love a woman, he must be willing to be intimate with her. Intimacy is not an easy thing to achieve because it involves hard work. It has an element of risk because one is meant to reveal one’s self in totality to one’s partner.

Some ladies complain that they have been in a relationship with their partner for months or years. Yet they do not know much about him aside knowing his family members, friends or colleagues at work. The man doesn’t talk about his past. He doesn’t talk about the future. All that seem to matter to him is to get her into bed anytime he wants. Communication helps intimacy because the more you guys talk, the more you develop bonds with each other.  Communication helps both partners to know more about each other and this has a positive effect on intimacy.

A man that loves you would not try to short circuit the process by demanding sexual intimacy when the other levels of intimacy have not been attained. A man that loves you will be willing to reveal his innermost self to you. He will be willing to share his past, his desires, his hopes and future aspirations with you. By doing this, he begins to bond with you.

Sharing a strong bond with your partner has lots of advantages in a relationship. The strong bond will keep you guys together in times of trouble and it will serve as a strong foundation for the success of a committed relationship like marriage.

When a man loves a woman, it is very visible and the object of his love is aware of this love. The falsehood being spread about that men cannot love due to their love for sex is just a facade.

Love is more than a feeling. It is more of action than words. I will like to tell you that despite the sex crazed world that we live in, love does exist. The truth is that a person who does not love himself is not capable of giving love. Anyone who has not imbibed the spirit and tenets of God’s love will not be able to love. To those that have found love, I beseech them to enjoy that special gift that God has given to mankind.

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