Inside of my soul, I just wanted to go back to the place of purest love, the Silence. I wanted to be in the arms of Source again. No pain, no sense of the loneliness or confusion I had been living for the last few years.
It was dark in the Silence, filling me with an intense feeling of joy and love… I only heard a soft voice saying, “You are love and loved. Do not forget this!”
Then I was sitting back in my car, looking at a crack windshield and the smashed hood of the car up-close and personal. I wanted to go back to sleep… “Let me sleep”, I repeated to a stranger asked me to talk to her about my dogs. How did she know I had dogs?
Inside of my soul, I just wanted to go back to the place of purest love, the Silence. I wanted to be in the arms of Source again. No pain, no sense of the loneliness or confusion I had been living for the last few years. I was truly free and breathe in such a seductive passionate love. I only wanted to be in that Silence again and never returns back.
Suddenly my common sense came out as I told this woman “I have a camera in the back seat; “please take pictures of the accident. I need the pictures of the accident for the insurance.” I must have repeated three times until I gave up. She didn’t care and wouldn’t let me sleep. She wasn’t going to let me go in this moment where I truly just wanted to go…
It was 10:48pm in the middle of nowhere, Oregon, on the way to I-5 when a Toyota Truck hit my Toyota Highlander head on. We, two friends and I, on the way to Rosenberg to find a hotel for the night on the way home from a Dave Matthews Band concert at the Gorge. We were heading back to Sacramento where my friends lived, and then I was back down to Arizona.
We originally wanted to stay at this hotel on the coast, yet they had no vacancies, so we change route to the I-5. Faster route and more options for hotels for us. My two friends had a Margarita at dinner, so I had Mocha and drove. While they slept, I thought of my current situation at home and getting depressed. In a relationship that I knew wasn’t going to last and with a money situation tight. Business was slowing and things seemed off for me. Intuition seemed off or my interpretation was. One reason for the road trip was to have fun and get my head together. So far, it wasn’t working.
Now as I was in the ambulance, I joked with the EMT and looked over to see the drunk driver who had hit me head on. He was so out of it. Silently, I forgave him and continued to talk with the EMT, as he attempted to put an IV in with a baby size probe. I knew it wasn’t going in, though he said he knew he could…He finally gave up, saying “you are going to be fine. Good humor and great smile.”
I laid in the emergency room and got angry. I wasn’t supposed to be here. I had a dream of dying in a car accident two years ago. 18 months earlier, I totaled another car when the brakes failed and the cruise control locked engaged. The cop at that accident said to me, “you must be connected, you ought to be dead.” Yea, I am connected alright.
Now again, I walked away from an exit point and still here… I asked why am I still here? The voice returned to me with “His love brought you back.” Oh God’s love, I said to myself. “Well, yes but no. Another’s love brought you back, wanting you in the physical, not just the spiritual.” Oh great. Who is this person? True Love. Nothing more was said.
I began to ground myself in the reality in the physical. I lost my cell phone into the engine of my Highlighter, so I called using my friend’s mom’s phone. Called my boyfriend and asked him to pick me up at the airport. He did. The ending of our relationship began as he did.
I now understand the nature of life, with beginnings and endings with taking it as it comes. Not holding on or attempting not to hold onto anything. Say my truth in that moment, regardless of the situation. Saying I love you to each that touches my heart; Showing appreciation to those who inspire me in each moment, even if some don’t get why I do. I understand that I may not have another chance to express it. I live in the now moment, knowing I am love and loved. I feel that love in every moment with a deeper sense of the bizarre ways of life, living on borrow time. I found out that the drunk driver was from Arizona, in his Toyota had changed routes in the middle of his trip. Fated or what? I got my head together by a 2×4 from the Universe: Smiling.
Oh, as for True Love… as a physical man? I am still waiting on him, yet perhaps True Love is simply every person who touches my heart with inspiration. It is unconditional love in its best form.