Funny and Insightful “Twilight” Review

It’s so easy to tear anything related to <i>Twilight</i> apart at face value. &nbsp;But often, doing so earns one insults of “You’re just pompous!” or “-pretentious!” or “-heartless!” from fans of the series.

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;So I gave it a shot, as best I could. &nbsp;I saw the first film and read  two-dozen pages of excerpts online. &nbsp;(Admittedly, not that many&nbsp;.&nbsp;.&nbsp;.&nbsp;but I promise you more than enough.) &nbsp;All I found was, in said “tearing it apart”, I was probably being too tame.

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;The truth isn’t that it’s a heartfelt-albeit-predictable love story such as e.g. Titanic.&nbsp; Rather, it’s genuinely, just&nbsp;.&nbsp;.&nbsp;.&nbsp;bad. In all respects of story telling.

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;The plot is indeed predictable – the typical formula of <i>girl falls for boy she shouldn’t; they resist, end up together; struggle, almost fall apart, but ultimately – after some gunfire and dramatics – end up happily ever after</i>. &nbsp;But further than that, the characters are flat and unrealistic, offering nothing beyond the inspiration of a shallow empathy (for Bella’s case: the tortured teenager) or a shallow lust (for Edward, because&nbsp;.&nbsp;.&nbsp;.&nbsp;<strike>he glistens</strike>&nbsp;.&nbsp;.&nbsp;.&nbsp;err&nbsp;.&nbsp;.&nbsp;.&nbsp;let’s just go with: God knows why).&nbsp; The dialogue is contrived and hokey, and has no driving voice within it: a collage of banal small talk with enough contrived one-liners thrown in to fool every sixth-grade girl with budding sexual-repression issues. &nbsp;The description is unimaginative and littered with the sort of awkward-for-the-sake-of-indulgent adjectives one expects to find in an entry-level creative writing course (believe me, I’ve been there). &nbsp;I mean, what more could be wrong?

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;But I understand, really, I do. &nbsp;I understand <i>why</i>, and it’s <i>OK</i> that 13-year-old girls (or boys – let’s not discriminate) can connect with the story and be entertained. &nbsp;I understand <i>why</i> teenagers can engage with the shallow “romance” therein. &nbsp;And that’s fine – nobody’s saying everything anyone ever reads <i>has</i> to be dense and literary.

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;So that isn’t what concerns me. &nbsp;What <i>does</i> concern me is 25-year-old high school (or god forbid – college) graduates genuinely being moved by these characters; 35-year-old soccer moms finding the gutless emotion of the story to be deep and involving. &nbsp;Because when people allow themselves to be bogged down with such masturbatory “art”, they lose the ability to really appreciate work with true depth – the same way that a heroin addiction dulls one’s abilities to feel genuine emotion. &nbsp;And a society that vacantly drools over the status feed of failed Facebook relationships, the romance of Edward-the-Vamp + Bella-the-melodramatist, yet can’t conjure the ability to appreciate the love story within something like Hemingway’s <i>A Farewell to Arms</i> is, well&nbsp;.&nbsp;.&nbsp;.&nbsp;a society that’s beginning to look a bit too much like <a href=”http://www.recombinantrecords.net/images/2009-05-Amusing-Ourselves-to-Death.png” target=”_blank”>Huxley’s Brave New World</a>.&nbsp;.&nbsp;.&nbsp;. 

Cover of Twilight (Twilight, Book 1)